So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
