Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
