my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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