I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
