this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
not ubering you a puppy
COCAINE IS GR8
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
