Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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