I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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