My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
