I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Every concussion has its silver lining
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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