I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
the room spins SO much faster in panama
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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