how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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