I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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