What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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