Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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