Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He better not be in your backpack
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
