Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
