having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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