Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
