I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
