why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
