Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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