Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
