I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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