There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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