They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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