watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
