I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
