I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
