You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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