I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
