I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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