I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
