rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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