these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
the raccoons are back...
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