May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
