i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
