So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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