Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Randomize
