How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
