did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I pour the whiskey from now on
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
