HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
