Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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