I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
