I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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