I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
