i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
