i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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