captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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