I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
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