guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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